John 15:1-4 NIV
The Vine and the Branches
1"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. 3You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.”
A couple years back I wasn’t connected to the vine. Lately I have been reflecting on that time and what happened as a result of that. It pretty much happened exactly as Jesus said it would in the above verses. I wasn’t connected, so a part of me eventually died. I'm not saying that today I have arrived at some state of Christianity where I can claim certainty of my faith, it’s just that I have been thinking about a specific time in my life where I wasn’t connected.
It all started back in 1993 when I was taken on my first mission trip and loved it. I loved the people, I loved the experience, I loved the team and became somewhat of a leader when I returned with a new group of kids two years later in 1995. From 1993-1996 I felt my best when I was in youth group and friends encouraged me that I was my best when I was leading Bible Studies and mission trips. I decided to go to Bible College and pursue a degree in Youth Ministries. While in college, I felt very frustrated. I longed for the times when I has been on mission trips and thought that once I was done with school, and was leading mission teams, my life would have the mystery, excitement, and joy that it seemed to be lacking.
So I dove into youth ministry. I started with Young Life and moved into a youth director’s position at a small church in Portland. Although I did like it and had many great memories and met awesome people, it didn’t satisfy me. I had started sponsoring a little girl thru Compassion in Tanzania and had the opportunity to go on a mission trip and visit her. In Tanzania, having lunch with Judith was the most satisfying thing in my life up to that point. I loved every minute of it. I was part of a mission team again and felt great about it. I knew that this was something I had to continue to pursue at all costs. I was also encouraged by others at how good I was at leading mission teams. Then came an opportunity to take a job at a large church. The job was leading all of the mission teams and service projects for the student ministry department. It looked perfect to me and I couldn’t think of anything else I would rather be doing.
I had everything that I thought was going to give me fulfillment in life. I had this job at church teaching students about Jesus and his call to missions and service. I was taking students on trips all over the world. And, well, it was just about the most unfulfilling thing I have ever done. I had everything I had ever wanted professionally and since the things that I wanted were Christian, I thought I would find fulfillment and I found the opposite. And that made me react in really strange ways. After a few months into the job, I started not to trust the other staff members. And then I started becoming openly frustrated with things that weren’t going my way. And then I started dressy sexy (which is just weird since I was in more of a pastoral role and because I usually dress so modestly). And the list could go on and on. I don’t know exactly how all this happened or why it did, I just know that it did.
One day my boss called me into her office and I went in and sat down. She started listing things off one by one that I was doing wrong professionally and personally. This had been going on for several months and so it wasn’t anything that new for me to hear but there was something different about this time. This time she looked me straight in the eyes and said that I was not a servant and then there was this silence for some time. I got up (I can’t remember if I started crying in her office or when I walked out but once I started crying, I didn’t stop for about 12 hours). I resigned 3 hours later.
For a long time after this incident I couldn’t figure out why this had happened to me or why I had contributed to it what I had but recently I have come to peace with the fact that it did happen. I don’t know if there is some greater reason for why this happened and I don’t even know if I would want to know if I could. I just know that there was a time when I wasn’t connected to the vine and that after a part of me died Jesus brought more life into me that I had ever known. I guess one could say that I was pruned during this time. I don’t know if that is the case, but I lately have had peace about it. I tend to listen more to others now and I really, honestly, believe that having a good team is the best way to do business. I am not a lone ranger at all and I have even started to like correction form others (please don’t test me on this).
So I guess, in some weird way, my Christian dream of leading mission trip died and God gave me a new dream with an amazing husband and a wonderful job and therefore, I’m kinda glad everything happened the way it did. I certainly learned a lot and grew more than I even wanted to. What to know something kinda funny? One of our business associates asked me two weeks ago to help him with his talk on his sons mission trip to Mexico. O, and my bosses son just left for a mission in Calcutta. His mother asked me to say the blessing at his house with all of his family around last week. And I had lunch with a Luis Palau last week who I got a chance to share my experience about not putting faith into ministry but into Jesus and how only Jesus can fulfill. Mr. Palau was somehow moved at some small level about what I said which was astounding to me given his experience. God doesn’t forget our dreams and hopes; he is just the Great Gardner.
